SOURCE CONSCIOUSNESS LIVING

Recently it came to light that the love I felt for my twin boys, Luke and Liam, was not enough for their proper development.  Despite my confidence that my boys would be fine and not suffer the psychological issues I had in my life because of the profound love I felt for them, this love turns out to be only the foundation for the parenting that is necessary for healthy happy children.  My children are healthy and happy but started to exhibit aggressive acting out while playing at school.  Without going into details this simply became a real concern since it was sudden and unforeseen.  

But what I have learned is that without my presence as a strong male figure, the "alpha" side of manhood and fatherhood, the boys could develop the felt need to take over the alpha position since my weak presence was not sufficient to allow them to feel safe, secure and free to come to me when they felt vulnerable or insecure.  They, according to the theory of the "alpha child," instinctually overcompensated for my lack of alpha presence, my lack of being present as the dependable and strong alpha male that could let them feel protected, taken care of and guided.  Their instinctual need to be dependent was hampered.  They were starting to try to become the adult alpha male before that is possible.  The aggressive acting out was the sign of this overcompensation.

I never saw this coming and I never saw this lack of "alpha" presence in myself.  Over the last few days when the insight of who I was being, or failing to be, with my children dawned on me, it was a kind of epiphany.  It gave me insight into a dimension of my being that I simply was blind to and had not realized.  Ironically the boys few episodes of acting out gave me the opportunity to learn about a missing side of myself that will restore a completeness to my life and enable them to continue to be not only happy and healthy but open to the trust and care that nurtures the continuing unfolding of a life of love, autonomy and a sense of responsibility for one's self.  

What became necessary for me was to reestablish the alpha male presence in myself and "massage" them, so to speak, back into the safety and freedom of being able to depend upon me to comfort, lead and care for them.  I had four rough days of transforming the context of our lives from one dominated by my passivity and lack of active alpha male presence.  But then a tangible shift began to take place and the chaotic, sometimes aggressive, acting out began to subside and a peacefulness began to set in. A natural hierarchical order of parent child relationship began to arise.

The epiphany, however, gave a clearer felt vision of the "self" that arises from Source or Source Consciousness.  When that "self" allows the Consciousness of Source (True Self) to continue to flow and manifest as one's Presence in the world, then that "light" that the Buddha said we must be "unto ourselves" becomes a reality.  Then that "physician" that Jesus says must "heal one's self" becomes manifest.  This 'light,' this 'healing' can be given to us by noone, not the greatest of Gurus.  We must own it as our own.   We must give ourselves the gift, become Fathers of ourselves and of our children.  Again as Jesus put it, we become One with the Father, the Source, God.  

To know this is to know that there is only one Self that I am, and 'I am that I am.'  Sound familiar?

For those of you interested, what led to this breakthrough in my life was the work of Gordon Neufeld.  For further reading on the "alpha child" see www.neufeldinstitute.com.  

Possibly we will all be saved by a child.

desiderata

Youth's caricaturization of old age is its fear and denial of aging--unless they are laughing at themselves.

Nothing matters--right now; at least if right now is a special moment, my moment.  What if right now were always my moment, not measured by time, in fact not measured, in fact not belonging to me.  What if right now is a special moment where nothing matters--not my own moment nor another's.  It just is--is it's own, its Self.  How could anything matter right now if it just is, just is itSelf, not to be named, explained or regained?

Then nothing could matter.  Everything would be beautiful.  Everything would be loveable--in its own way.

Love means I just wanna' make you--make you laugh.

Love is walking someone toward death without looking where you're going.

Love is embracing your pain, letting it be part of you and letting it depart on its own, just as it came, on its own.

NOT A MATTER OF ATTAINMENT

If any spiritual attainment in the end still ends in disappointment, in the inevitable emptiness of self-aggrandizement-- or better, ego-aggrandizement-- it's not that which we seek.  Attainment is a matter of securing the ego's place in the world as if it has finally "got it." Attainment amounts to simply seeking an experience of oneself as a better and therefore more acceptable self, i.e., ego.  But it is only a 'place,' only an experience.  It seduces consciousness and traps it in attending to the things, the idols, of the world.  Such attainments give the impression that one is now unaffected by the seductions of the world as if they are now in our control.  Attainments in the world are trophies for the ego.  In fact we are more deeply subjected to the vulnerability of expectation that this 'experience' is now ours.  We are more out of "control."  The world and life become fixed and fastened to the pursuit of holding one's ground, like the alcoholic who's only satisfaction is not feeling bad, not feeling the empty craving for another drink.  The 'high' is gone; now all there is is to avoid the lows.  

The desperate ego substitutes spiritual seeking of "true self" in place of the things of the world and succeeds in turning the Self into another thing of the world, deluding itself that the true Self it seeks is attainable as if it were just another object, seeking it just as it seeks other objects as they occur in the world.  But this Self cannot be possessed since it is self-possession itself.  It is the "I AM" that I cannot be outside of nor inside.  It is self-possession that cannot and need not hold on to itself.  It does not take hold nor need to let go since it has never grasped.  Why attain when it itself is the gift which no attainment, achievement or aggrandizement can accomplish?

JESUS' ASCENDENCY AND SELF-ASCENDENCE

No spiritual teacher can take you to where they themselves have not gone.  Jesus could raise the dead to life because He had ascended to life itself, eternal life.  Yet when Jesus brought the dead back to living he did not raise them to eternal life.  He brought them back to the place where in living they could, and only they could, raise themselves to eternal life.  After all only then could their true Self, the true Savior, the true Guru, raise them from the dream to reality, from the story of "I" to the consciousness of true being, from belief to knowledge.

MYSTERY OF MYSTERIES

If it is the case that 'the mystery is not a matter of how the world is, but, that the world is,' then our task is the contemplation of this givenness, this gift that all is, this givenness without a giver.  But more still, the meditation of the givenness of such givenness.  This Giver is Givenness itself, that is, the Receiver.  The Receiver of the given is the true giver, that is, the Creator.  And only the One who lives in the giver's truth is the true giver, the Self-given.  All else can be and is doubted.  

The true Giver's Truth is then not of What the world is, but That the world is.  The problems of our lives disappear when we see them from the standpoint of the mystery That the world is, and again, the mystery behind the mystery, the Receiver that we ourSelf are.  So the Buddha says, "Be a light unto yourself," meaning be the light which your Self always already is.  Then the problems are like play in the fields of the Lord, or like laying down in "green pastures," or like the joy of the "lilies of the fields."

WITHOUT CONCERN

There's no avoiding conflict; but one can avoid being in conflict with one's conflicts.  The same goes for worry and frustration.  One need only be aware of such things.  Then finally in that awareness come to abide in and as awareness alone.  One can savor the joy and pain of life without having to do anything about it, to change it, justify it, avenge it.  Then one can love without concern and share the peace of this blissfulness.

GRATITUDE

Thank God, excitement isn't exciting any more.
Spectacle isn't spectacular anymore.
Lust has lost its luster.
Superlative is at best comparative.
Life is so much better.  Thank God.