My most recent struggle has been with 'communicating with God' or "praying" if you will. When I fall into doubt and fear, however, I do still turn to God in the end. At such times my first feeling is one of shame, doubt and hypocrisy. When I feel good and strong I forget about God. My better "self" and higher consciousness tells me there must be a god. But as a philosophy teacher and researcher, as a thinker, I have never really tried to "believe" in God through logic or even really faith for that matter. I've at times concluded that consciousness or "definitionless Awareness" is the endpoint, highest Self or Source of "divinity." But I suspect there is something more...God.
The truth of the matter is that even though my 'conversation with God' is considerably illiterate, so to speak, it still has its moment of presence in a simple silence and vigil of waiting and presencing. But the fact is, I'm not doing it. It happens within the circumstances, usually of trial and tribulation when I know I'm not doing a very good job of doing this life of mine.
God, I am assuming, in my actions, in my way of being, is there for me. But God's being there for me is not demonstrable in any way especially for myself. I fall silent, mute, dumb in this moment, embarrassed and dare I say even humbled. But I don't trust myself not to betray this connection to God. I guess I want to know how to secure it, especially when I egoistically presume that "I am doing it."
So I guess my question is: what exactly is this connection and communication with God? How does one practice it and reconcile it with all the possible ways of spiritual being that there are. This may be my dark night of the soul. I just don't know.
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