My first Satsang had provided me with the conditions for a shift of consciousness away from the world as I had lived it, in discontent and dissatisfaction, and toward what I now believe is the Real: the Self seemingly within my self which is a Love that knows itself as such, unconditionally, absolutely, without words, thoughts or images. Now however this Self-Love was not in me but I in it. The river had run to the sea.
In that first Satsang, the first 10 minutes of that Satsang, in an awakened moment of Love, I felt myself experience a forgiveness for having failed, for not having gotten it, whatever it was in life that I felt I should have gotten. I was 52 years old. I experienced the force of forgiveness of myself for not knowing there was nothing to get that would ultimately matter. I felt a compassion for myself. I liked myself. Everything was ok. I was happy. I saw that I was worth loving. The world was loveable just as it was. I no longer needed to achieve to be free of striving and desiring or the illusion that desire was satisfiable. I no longer desired more or better of what already had been experienced in my life. Everything was clear, bright, light and essentially re-newed, re-born. The Larry Project was dead. The illusion that I could do or find something in the world that could make me whole and complete was seen through. I understood then that the world could no longer give me a better deal. I saw no reason to hold out for an offering of something better from the world than what I had experienced in Satsang. The "time" of my life had essentially ended, even though I was yet to fully understand this.
