Recently it came to light that the love I felt for my twin boys, Luke and Liam, was not enough for their proper development. Despite my confidence that my boys would be fine and not suffer the psychological issues I had in my life because of the profound love I felt for them, this love turns out to be only the foundation for the parenting that is necessary for healthy happy children. My children are healthy and happy but started to exhibit aggressive acting out while playing at school. Without going into details this simply became a real concern since it was sudden and unforeseen.
But what I have learned is that without my presence as a strong male figure, the "alpha" side of manhood and fatherhood, the boys could develop the felt need to take over the alpha position since my weak presence was not sufficient to allow them to feel safe, secure and free to come to me when they felt vulnerable or insecure. They, according to the theory of the "alpha child," instinctually overcompensated for my lack of alpha presence, my lack of being present as the dependable and strong alpha male that could let them feel protected, taken care of and guided. Their instinctual need to be dependent was hampered. They were starting to try to become the adult alpha male before that is possible. The aggressive acting out was the sign of this overcompensation.
I never saw this coming and I never saw this lack of "alpha" presence in myself. Over the last few days when the insight of who I was being, or failing to be, with my children dawned on me, it was a kind of epiphany. It gave me insight into a dimension of my being that I simply was blind to and had not realized. Ironically the boys few episodes of acting out gave me the opportunity to learn about a missing side of myself that will restore a completeness to my life and enable them to continue to be not only happy and healthy but open to the trust and care that nurtures the continuing unfolding of a life of love, autonomy and a sense of responsibility for one's self.
What became necessary for me was to reestablish the alpha male presence in myself and "massage" them, so to speak, back into the safety and freedom of being able to depend upon me to comfort, lead and care for them. I had four rough days of transforming the context of our lives from one dominated by my passivity and lack of active alpha male presence. But then a tangible shift began to take place and the chaotic, sometimes aggressive, acting out began to subside and a peacefulness began to set in. A natural hierarchical order of parent child relationship began to arise.
The epiphany, however, gave a clearer felt vision of the "self" that arises from Source or Source Consciousness. When that "self" allows the Consciousness of Source (True Self) to continue to flow and manifest as one's Presence in the world, then that "light" that the Buddha said we must be "unto ourselves" becomes a reality. Then that "physician" that Jesus says must "heal one's self" becomes manifest. This 'light,' this 'healing' can be given to us by noone, not the greatest of Gurus. We must own it as our own. We must give ourselves the gift, become Fathers of ourselves and of our children. Again as Jesus put it, we become One with the Father, the Source, God.
To know this is to know that there is only one Self that I am, and 'I am that I am.' Sound familiar?
For those of you interested, what led to this breakthrough in my life was the work of Gordon Neufeld. For further reading on the "alpha child" see www.neufeldinstitute.com.
Possibly we will all be saved by a child.
